


split

by thisgirlinhere



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst and Feels, Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pynch Week, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish Fluff, The Raven Cycle - Freeform, adam doesn't know how to do feelings, adam parrish and ronan lynch are a total mess, but they love each other - Freeform, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 10:44:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15661629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisgirlinhere/pseuds/thisgirlinhere
Summary: adam thought he didn’t deserved to love, ronan was to tired of being angry and stubborn. it was christmas and everything seemed helpless. ronan ran, adam came to terms with himself. two boys with awful people skills try to fix up a bit of their lifes.or the one where adam runs away to college after breaking up with ronan and ronan goes after him almost a year later.





	split

**Author's Note:**

> hello, cakie here! so, this is the first time i post a piece of writing online and i would love to know what you guys think about it. please comment, rec and leave kudos if you liked it! thanks for reading!

i.

adam parrish felt empty. he had been in college for almost a year by then, living what was supposed to be the beginning of his dream, but even though he was the top of his class and still talked to gansey, henry and blue every free night he had, something seemed off, as if something had been taken away from him. his first thought was the lack of cabeswater’s spirit inside of him, but he could still feel the magic of the ley lines weakly pulsing far from where he was. he tried to consult his cards - persephone’s cards - but got no plausible result. finally, he decided to ignore it, pretending he didn’t knew exactly what was the matter.

he also ignored sleep as much as he could, dreading the dreamless hours of void that seemed to only make him even more tired. when gansey called, he pretended everything was fine and asked about the places his friends had recently gotten to know. they never talked about henrietta, or the people adam had left behind.

ii.

ronan lynch felt full. he was overflowing with anger and loss. he occupied his time with the barns and opal’s education, he took care of newborn calves and the recently recreated cabeswater. he called gansey at least once a week to talk about mexico - or brazil, or argentina, or peru - and the never changing henrietta. they never talked about the ones who had abandoned the peaceful town.

at night, he still left the barns to drive as fast as he could down the highway, resisting the urge to crash into a building or another vehicle and finally put an end to all the voices who never stopped reminding him that he was not enough, that he was as disposable as a dirty napkin.

iii.

adam parrish felt dead and gone, he wanted to scream as loud as his lungs would allow him to. christmas in college was quiet and the campus was almost completely empty. he didn’t pick up when gansey called in the christmas eve’s morning and all he consumed throughout that day had been coffee and a few buttered bagels that were left on the fridge.

he studied for his post-holiday exams and finished four essays on a row, he hadn’t slept in what seemed to be forever and he felt completely drained, but he wasn’t going to stop working, he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking once started, so he kept himself on autopilot.

in that christmas eve’s night, if he drifted away for too long, the warm memories of a fireplace dimly litting a cosy living room would settle in his mind, the ghost of where strong and calloused , yet gentle hands of someone he had left had touched him, making him feel worthy and safe.

if he drifted for longer than that, he would see the trailer park and his parents and feel an unpleasant tingle in his ribs, where an ugly scar still remained to haunt him until the end of his days.

he would shrug the memories away as soon as he caught himself paying attention to them. it was going to be a long night.

iv.

ronan lynch had never felt more alive. he drove all night as fast as his car could and almost crashed a couple of times - maybe a dozen - along the way. he had called gansey before leaving the house, asking for information and advice, something the other boy was glad to provide. his palms were sweaty and his knuckles were white with the pressure of the steering wheels as he drove.

when he finally reached his destination, he fumbled with his belt and sprinted to the second building on the left, with wind and snow crashing violently agaisnt him, penetrating his thin layer of clothing and freezing him to the bone. he skipped steps in the long staircases and finally stopped in front of the dorm 1004, his hands suddenly unable to move and his breath caught up in his throat. he had dealed with dragons, demons and nightmares, but that was something he would never be ready to do.

he knocked at the door and the possibility of no one answering struck him mercilessly and he thought for the billionth time about walking away and going back home.

but then, the door oppened, _and the ocean burned_.

v.

adam parrish was drowning. in front of him stood the wildest boy he’d ever seen. ronan lynch was all sharp edges and soft spots, a mix of everything adam feared and desired the most in the world. he could tell that the boy was freezing to death, with only a thin sweather and ripped jeans, he was completely soaked, and definitely scared, _terrified_ if you must say.

adam didn’t had the words to send the taller boy away, having simply made way for him to come in while he came back to his desk, pretending that he was too busy organizing the scattered note cards and that he wasn’t in the edge of a heart attack. none of them said a thing for a long time, the silence was loud and uncomfortable, with too many words left unsaid and too many loose strings left behind almost a year ago by the dust haired boy.

“you look like shit parrish” his voice was hoarse, like he had been in silence for too long. adam felt his heart clench a little when he turned around and found ronan already looking at him. their eyes met and adam took a long breath. ronan looked at adam like there was something worth looking at, and adam had been trying to forget how that felt like for the past months, since the day he left the barns with nothing but tears running down his cheeks and a half ripped drawing from opal in his hands.

vi.

ronan lynch was sitting at the edge of the small bed. it was more comfortable than the lumpy one from st. agnes and had cleaner sheets, but he still was as uneasy as if he was sitting on a bunch of nails. his chest ached and in his head, latin was crashing with english and he couldn’t seem to say anything he had planned along the way.

“you look like shit parrish” adam turned around and ronan felt like he could kiss him right then and there, but then memories flashed and he resisted the urge to flinch. maybe this had been a bad idea after all.

“what are you doing here ronan?” his voice felt flat and ronan blinked slowly. why was he here? what _was_ he expecting to happen?

“i missed you” ronan answered bluntly. honesty, yes, with that he could deal with.

silence fell uppon them again and ronan stood up, stepping closer to the smaller boy, carefully studying his responses. adam didn’t move.

“i wouldn’t have stayed for anyone”

that was all it took to make ronan stop moving and close his eyes. he wasn’t going to cry, that was not him, but adam feared the boy could do way worst if given the chance. adam leaned against the counter and sighed audibly, he considered the last few months and the hellhole he had been falling since he basically ran away from everything.

“i know, parrish”

the door opened again and then fell shut. adam stood there, staring wide eyed to the door for a few moments. he felt dull and broken, just as he was when he was the one walking away and not looking back.

vii.

adam parrish opened the door and ran, not even bothering to try to wait for the ellevator. he was still wearing his socks and pyjamas, but he was too concentrated too feel something as trivial as cold. he saw the huge bmw in the parking lot, and in the ground, next to it, was ronan. chainsaw rested in his shoulder ruffling her feathers as if to try to draw his attention. adam ran, almost slipping twice, and stopped in front of ronan, breath hitched and cheeks flushed.

“you didn’t let me finish asshole” he spoke, making ronan lift his head and aknowledge his existence for the first time. he looked hurt and broken and adam didn’t quite knew what to do because that was his fault and his problem to fix.

“i guess you made things quite clear,  _parrish_ ” ronan bit down bitterly.

“i wouldn’t have stayed for anyone” adam repeated himself, ignoring the comment “but i could come back for some people”

viii.

ronan lynch was breathless. in front of him stood a boy that fought his way through existence, a boy he fell in love with and a boy who broke his heart in the most cruel way he could ever imagine.

“but i could come back for some people” adam’s words hung in the air for a few seconds until ronan finally stood up, analysing the other boy’s face, breathing heavily and letting small puffs of smoke come out of his mouth.

“don’t you fucking play this game with me parrish” it should have sounded like a threat, but his voice came out small and broken, mirroring the way he felt at the moment.

“ronan–”

“no. you left. you fucking left and never looked back.”

“i couldn’t have you near ronan, i needed to focus, i needed to adjust”

“don’t you _dare_ gansey up on me now, adam” ronan was heaving, his eyes burned and he tried to convince himself that it was from the cold. coming here had been a terrible idea, but adam said he could come back, so what did that meant? “don’t you fucking dare. i’m done with your games, i shoul’ve stayed home with opal.”

“i’m not fucking ganseying you up, you dumbass” adam said, raising his voice a few decibels as he stepped forward “i’m saying that i asked for time, not forever time, just… time”

“you left” ronan sounded nothing but hopeless now, pathetically hopeless and vulnerable “you left without looking back”

“i needed time to adjust”

“you could’ve said that”

“i’m pretty sure i did”

“no, you said _‘i can’t do this, i need to go and i can’t be held back’_ ” ronan spitted, trying to sound more angry than hurt, but only managing to contain a sob and step back, clutching the car’s door knob.

ix.

adam parrish never thought he was wanted. the months he spent on the barns before college felt more like a dream than anything else, days spent in the fields with opal and nights at ronan’s childhood room exchanging neverending kisses that took his breath away, making his heart clench deliciously and his whole body melt. adam spent those months reminding himself that it wouldn’t change a thing for ronan once he went to college, just as kavinsky had never meant a thing, so he focused on enjoying those few days without thinking about the future for the first time. he just wanted, needed that to survive for at least a while.

adam fell for him, maybe he had been falling since the first day, when he had helped gansey with the pig and exchanged sneers with the buzzcut boy. he thought that, if he asked for time before going, ronan would get tired of waiting, that he would get bored, and simply move forward. he didn’t expected to find him in his doorstep and feel like that all the feelings he had been bottling up suddenly flooded him again.

x.

ronan lynch considered the possibility of kissing parrish once before jumping into the car and driving back to henrietta, he could simply shove the smaller boy off and then drive away, it seemed easy and even if it was going to hurt like hell after a few minutes, it was still worth it. he considered the possibilities and came to the conclusion gansey would have been better at calculating this, so he was going to have to improvise, fuck it, it was all hell anyway, so it better be a bittersweet hell.

_and then adam_ _kisses him_.

xi.

adam parrish was not weak. he had grown up in a place no one should have and fighted his way to the place where he was now standing. he was alive because he fought, because he acted, because he owned himself and his choices. when he kissed ronan in that parking lot on the first few minutes of december 25th, he was thinking about that, choices. about coming home to the barns in the weekends and holidays. of giving himself away and laying bare for the boy in front of him, of being vulnerable despite the imminent danger of falling apart.

_home_ , the barns were his home, the same way _ronan_ was. a place to come back to.

he finally had a place to come back to.

xii.

ronan lynch moved his tongue slowly agaisnt adam’s, savoring the moment. he didn’t opened his eyes immediatly once they finally broke apart, as if, if he did, he would wake up in the couch with opal like so many times before. he only relaxed when adam burried his face on the crook of his neck, allowing a heavy sigh scape his lips.

“sentire sicut domum”


End file.
